Sunday we had kind of an interesting message at church, and unfortinatly I didn’t get anything, that was intended, out of it. To make a loonngg message short it was basicaly talking about how we are partners with God and eachother in ministry. Anyway the thing that hit me and made me not get anything Pastor intended out of the mesage was a verse that he read.
The passage was Luke 5:6-10. The intention was to show us that we need to humbly recognize Christ’s faithfulness and power. What struck me, however was verse 8. Which says, “When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!“ When we read that verse it hit me, that this is exactly how I feel. I have been dealing with some stress and depression lately and I have not made the best choices during this time. It seems that whenever I take 1 step forward I am pushed 2 back.
I am frustrated and angry, not with God but with myself. I am discouraged and defeated, I can’t figure this out! I have been trying soo hard but no matter how hard I try I fail. I am a falure, a looser, incapable and unworthy!
Reading that verse made me realise that I am a filthy sinner and do not deserve God or His grace. Now, I know that you are thinking, well, that is the beauty of grace none of us deserve it. In fact the substance of grace is getting what we don’t deserve. But not only do I not deserve it I don’t want it. I want to tell God to just go away and leave me alone. I am waisting His time and will never be able to be the person He wants me to be.
12 Comments
June 19, 2007 at 8:01 am
What a big step, to be that honest. I admire that courage.
Here’s another perspective… by telling God that you’ll never be who He wants you to be, you’re telling Him that 1) He was wrong to choose you and 2) He’s not big enough to change you.
Neither of which is true.
But the great thing is, God understands! He knows what you feel and why, and He is just dying to offer you the peace and comfort that you’re desperately wanting.
June 19, 2007 at 12:26 pm
I know what you are saying about telling God He is not big enough to change me, but the way I see it is like pastor was saying a couple months ago. It is a two way street we have to do our part inorder for God to do His. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I mean I have been working my butt off trying to be a better person, improve my walk with God and be who He wants me to be but it just seems like it’s not good enough.
And if He is dying to give me the peace and comfort I long for why is He not giving it? What more do I have to do?
June 19, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Let God change you! There’s nothing you can do that’s good enough! Nothing! You keep operating on the assumption that you have to do something rather than relying on God for the strength you need.
June 19, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Then where does the whole thing where you have to do your part come in? You can’t just sit on your butt and expect God to do all the work and changing. I know that I will never be good enough to deserve Him but I also know I have to make an effort and serve Him.
June 19, 2007 at 9:53 pm
That’s true. But you don’t act like you know that. It seems like you think it’s all you, and until you’re somehow “good enough” then God’s not going to have anything to do with you.
How good is good enough?
June 20, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I do know that and I do not mean to come across like I have to do everything. I am just feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. I guess mostly because I don’t feel like I have that connection with God that everyone is always talking about (and that I used to have with Him). I know God allows us to have times of seperation from Him to grow us, but this to to much for me. Life is hitting me hard right now and I am struggling. I know all these things in my head but my heart is overwhelmed. I know that God is always there and always faithful so in my mind if there is a problem or deficency it is me lacking not Him.
June 20, 2007 at 1:13 pm
Well…God loves you. I love you.
Beyond that, I don’t really know what else to say.
This is a struggle that you repeatedly have….for a reason, I’d wager. There will come a time when you’re strong enough in Him that you’ll overcome these feelings. Keep running the race with your eyes on the prize.
June 20, 2007 at 7:56 pm
It’s not a repeated problem it’s a continual problem. It bothers me, no solution is found, I push it aside, it builds and builds until I break down again. And each time is worse and with as bad as it was this time I am afraid of what will happen next time. . .
June 20, 2007 at 7:57 pm
BTW – I wanted to tell you how brave I think you are for putting this stuff into words and putting it out there.
June 20, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Thank you but it’s not like I have a choice if I keep it all in I will explode and I really am searching for answers to this stuff.
April 15, 2008 at 2:15 pm
It sounds to me like you have a better relationship with God then most people I meet. I am interested in talking with you. I believe we all need to recognize the facts you have stated.
Ecclesiastes 7:20
Romans 3:10
Luke 18:8
August 9, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I have just come across your blog and I think Paul empathises with your struggles.
Romans 7:18-25
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So I believe when feeling like this all we can do is turn to God for direction and his gentle guidance. I hope this helps.