I am still struggling and not at all sure what I believe but I have made some pretty big steps this week. I have decided that there has to be a higher being and that this can’t be all there is. There has to be more and I want to know who/what it is. The desire led me to pray for the first time in a long time and that prayer went something like this, “I don’t know who you are but I want to. I want to know you and love you and be loved by you. I know I have said some horrible things about you and have had some serious doubts and I am sorry. Please forgive me and please show me the answers I am looking for. I have looked to others and have been told that I need to find the answer for myself so please show me that answer. Reveal yourself to me in a real undeniable way”.
Since praying that prayer several things have happened. A friend of mine who had agreed to be my spiritual mentor shared with me how God is working in his life and how he has been given peace in unknown and tough situations. I have see him strong in his faith, on middle ground and weak and seeing him lifted out of that weakness to the place of complete trust and faith in God and love for God has encouraged me and given me hope that maybe someday I can have at least a fraction of what he has and I want it.
In addition to that my best friend reminded me of something I had forgotten about. She had pain in her left side that prevented her from lifting her arm above shoulder level for 2 years. And one day at care group I prayed for her and asked that God give her relief from that pain and as soon as the words left my mouth the pain left her. It wasn’t a permanent healing but she was given full range of motion and relief from the pain for several days.
I look back at that and am totally amazed that I was a part of it. I have been feeling so run down and defeated lately that I can’t believe I would/could be an instrument for such an awesome thing. I have said that I feel like God doesn’t hear me and if He does He doesn’t care enough to listen or answer but then I remember this and it’s like a slap in the face.
So I guess the point I am at now is that I recognize God exists and want to get to know him more. I have learned that the foundation of my faith was based upon blind acceptance of what others told me to believe and the bible. That foundation has collapsed and now I am trying to find what I believe and I know that in order to avoid another collapse I have to find a better foundation, so I am searching for that and I feel that I need to start from the beginning and found my faith on something stronger. So right now I am seeking God and trying to develop a relationship with Him that will give me the deep unwavering faith that no matter what He is there and will take care of things.
1 Comment
November 15, 2007 at 9:22 am
That is so awesome to hear! I’m excited to hear how God will reveal Himself to you and help you figure out how to have a relationship with Him! (I’m giddy right now!)