I have realised something this week. Awhile back I posted that I’m OK, meaning I am OK being single. I am OK with my life the way it is. But I have come to realise that I am not OK. The reason I thought I was OK was simply my fear. My fear of loving and loosing again. The people who say it is better to have love and loss then to have never loved at all obviously have not loved and loss a part of themselves.
I have this great guy that is interested in me. He is sweet and kind and caring and wants to be with me. Me of all people! Did I mention he is crazy 
Anyway he has been showering me with romantic cards and poetry and is planning to leave his whole life behind and come here to have the chance to be with me. Knowing that there is a good chance that he could get here and I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. I know I should be thrilled but I am terrified. I can’t bring myself to trust, to allow my heart to wake up and feel. I have tried a couple times with him but it just hurts so much that I retreat deeper inside. I am so terrified that I will open up to him and love him and he will crush me like all the others have.
As a result of this fear I am lashing out at him and pushing him away. I have just ignored a bunch of his phone calles after spending at least 30 min saying the most hurtful things I could think of to him on messenger. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t even know if I want to. But the bottom line is I am SO NOT OK.
4 Comments
January 8, 2008 at 4:14 am
Hi,
Relationships are hard.
You will get hurt.
It’s ok to get hurt.
P.S: you are not alone, I know plenty of women who go nuts when a guy seems to be treating them too good. It’s a defense mechanism. You figure he’s not representing all of himself so you want to crack his armour to see what is underneath. Hope you find what you’re looking for. Or maybe I’m full of crap.
January 8, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Do not be scared to be afraid. when you have been hurt it is a part of life. only time will tell if he is true or not. Let the relationship build into what ever it is going to be. For now just let things move at there own pace. there is no rush. I am sure he knows the risks if he is willing to throw it all away
January 19, 2008 at 2:29 pm
[...] days a counting Jump to Comments A couple weeks ago I posted about how I was not OK because of a potential relationship that I was having trouble accepting. My heart has been so [...]
January 21, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Are you the only person who can’t see you and the treasure of you?
Why do you sell yourself short?
He is the lucky one. Don’t be afraid. Love yourself or he’ll never get the chance to love the real you!