I have been struggling the past two weeks. I have been feeling unbalanced and at times depressed and overwhelmed. Today was no exception. I had a very bad night last night not beingable to sleep until around 3-4am then getting up and going to church. My head was fuzzy and I couldn’t focus, I just wanted to go home. Once home I wanted to just sleep but I knew if I did that I would just make it harder to sleep tonight so I found things around the house to do like going through a box of junk and working on the nuders I want to make for my nephew we are anxiously awaiting (He is due mid Nov). It seemed like nothing I put my hand to wanted to go smoothly however. I got part way through with one nuder when I realised my plan was not going to work and I had to fugure out another way to do it. So after spending some time online looking for advice on how to make the dang thing work I finally got an idea of what to do just in time to have to leave for church again.
Jake and Adam, are leading a study on the first church which Brian is interested in. We went the first week and that is when God spoke to me and started pulling me out of my comfort zone and telling me He had plans for me but true to God’s style He didn’t tell me anymore but get moving. I guess that is when the feeling of unbalance started. Anyway, needless to say I wasn’t very keen on going tonight. I had another idea for the nuder and wanted to try it and see if I could get it to work plus I wasn’t sure if I was ready for another God thing in my life considering I am still trying to get things together from the last one. Long stroy short we went because it is important to Brian and I didn’t want to upset him, plus I knew God wanted me to go. My head was foggy like it has been all day so in the begining I just sat and listened and read my bible. However, as God often does with me, He started pointing out little things in the Scripturesand making me speak up to share them. It is weird because I’m a pretty quiet person but people don’t see that side of me in bible studies because God makes me talk. Anyway, it wound up being a pretty good study and after a short talk with Heather (Adam’s wife) we came home.
On the way home Brian and I got into a bit of a disagreement about my passive agressive nature relatng to his smoking and I had to take a min to catch my breath and talk with God so when we got home I took Lexi for a walk and sat in the grass for a while thinking,talking and listening to God. Once I had calmed down a bit and felt a little more balanced, at least enought that I didn’t feel like my molecules were going to fly apart at any second, I went back upstairs and started working on the nudders. The idea I had gotten online appears like it will work but I am still having trouble getting consistent results so I quickly got frustrated with that and gave up.
So I sat on the couch wondering what to do. Should I go lay in bed for a few hours hoping sleep will find me? No, that didn’t work well last night and I’m sure it wont tonight, I’m not tired enough anyway. Should I work on my cross stitch? No, I don’t have the patience for that kindof thing right now and I don’t want to mess it up. Should I read, and if so what? That is when I saw my bible we had used earlier tonight to look up verses for our marraige study, laying open on the floor. Feeling drawn to it I picked it up and just started reading what it was open to. 1 Peter 2:18, the section is titled “Submission To Masters” and within the first few verses I saw what God had been trying to tell me. “But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps.” 1 peter 2:20b-21. Obviously this section is talking about slaves submitting to their masters and rising above cruel unjust treatment but I feel it totally applies to my life right now. I am apprehensivelystepping out of my comfort zone (picture me dipping one toe in the water to test the temperature) in the direction I feel God pulling me. But I am nervous and with each step I take I feel more and more unbalanced and vulnerable and trying things keep happening. I feel myself being more agitated and dealing with more anger. I thought I had gotten that under control but apparently now that God is calling me I am being opened up to satan’s attack and he is using all his old tricks that worked so well to cripple me for so many years before. I am nervous because I don’t feel I have the support system around me I will need to fight this battle God is calling me into, but I have faith He will provide it. I am also worried about what exactly He is calling me to. The hints I am getting are things like being called a prophet form a woman at church God has led me to. Being told that God doesn’t care what pain and suffering His prophets have to go through to get His work done. Seeing examples of this in His word. And now this verse that tells me to be patient through unjust suffering. Talk about scary! I don’t want to suffer, especially unjustly, and I am not the best with patience or heaing and followng through with God’s will. I am hoping these things are refering to stuff I have already had to deal with but I have a sinking suspision things are going to get worse before they get better. *sigh* What on earth did I sign up for? Or maybe it’s not on earth at all but on a spiritual plain. . .
