I have been struggling the past two weeks. I have been feeling unbalanced and at times depressed and overwhelmed. Today was no exception. I had a very bad night last night not beingable to sleep until around 3-4am then getting up and going to church.  My head was fuzzy and I couldn’t focus,  I just wanted to go home. Once home I wanted to just sleep but I knew if I did that I would just make it harder to sleep tonight so I found things around the house to do like going through a box of junk and working on the nuders I want to make for my nephew we are anxiously awaiting (He is due mid Nov). It seemed like nothing I put my hand to wanted to go smoothly however. I got part way through with one nuder when I realised my plan was not going to work and I had to fugure out another way to do it. So after spending some time online looking for advice on how to make the dang thing work I finally got an idea of what to do just in time to have to leave for church again.

Jake and Adam, are leading a study on the first church which Brian is interested in. We went the first week and that is when God spoke to me and started pulling me out of my comfort zone and telling me He had plans for me but true to God’s style He didn’t tell me anymore but get moving. I guess that is when the feeling of unbalance started. Anyway, needless to say I wasn’t very keen on going tonight. I had another idea for the nuder and wanted to try it and see if I could get it to work plus I wasn’t sure if I was ready for another God thing in my life considering I am still trying to get things together from the last one. Long stroy short we went because it is important to Brian and I didn’t want to upset him, plus I knew God wanted me to go. My head was foggy like it has been all day so in the begining I just sat and listened and read my bible. However, as God often does with me, He started pointing out little things in the Scripturesand making me speak up to share them. It is weird because I’m a pretty quiet person but people don’t see that side of me in bible studies because God makes me talk. Anyway, it wound up being a pretty good study and after a short talk with Heather (Adam’s wife) we came home.

On the way home Brian and I got into a bit of a disagreement about my passive agressive nature relatng to his smoking and I had to take a min to catch my breath and talk with God so when we got home I took Lexi for a walk and sat in the grass for a while thinking,talking and listening to God. Once I had calmed down a bit and felt a little more balanced, at least enought that I didn’t feel like my molecules were going to fly apart at any second, I went back upstairs and started working on the nudders. The idea I had gotten online appears like it will work but I am still having trouble getting consistent results so I quickly got frustrated with that and gave up.

So I sat on the couch wondering what to do. Should I go lay in bed for a few hours hoping sleep will find me? No, that didn’t work well last night and I’m sure it wont tonight, I’m not tired enough anyway. Should I work on my cross stitch? No, I don’t have the patience for that kindof thing right now and I don’t want to mess it up. Should I read, and if so what? That is when I saw my bible we had used earlier tonight to look up verses for our marraige study, laying open on the floor. Feeling drawn to it I picked it up and just started reading what it was open to. 1 Peter 2:18, the section is titled “Submission To Masters” and within the first few verses I saw what God had been trying to tell me. “But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps.” 1 peter 2:20b-21. Obviously this section is talking about slaves submitting to their masters and rising above cruel unjust treatment but I feel it totally applies to my life right now. I am apprehensivelystepping out of my comfort zone (picture me dipping one toe in the water to test the temperature) in the direction I feel God pulling me. But I am nervous and with each step I take I feel more and more unbalanced and vulnerable and trying things keep happening. I feel myself being more agitated and dealing with more anger. I thought I had gotten that under control but apparently now that God is calling me I am being opened up to satan’s attack and he is using all his old tricks that worked so well to cripple me for so many years before. I am nervous because I don’t feel I have the support system around me I will need to fight this battle God is calling me into, but I have faith He will provide it. I am also worried about what exactly He is calling me to. The hints I am getting are things like being called a prophet form a woman at church God has led me to. Being told that God doesn’t care what pain and suffering His prophets have to go through to get His work done. Seeing examples of this in His word. And now this verse that tells me to be patient through unjust suffering. Talk about scary! I don’t want to suffer, especially unjustly, and I am not the best with patience or heaing and followng through with God’s will. I am hoping these things are refering to stuff I have already had to deal with but I have a sinking suspision things are going to get worse before they get better. *sigh* What on earth did I sign up for? Or maybe it’s not on earth at all but on a spiritual plain. . .

Yesterday I celebrated my 25th birthday which also happened to be my 1st birthday as Mrs. Brian Bourque a.k.a Tasha Bourque. Initally my goal had been to be married by the time I turned 21 with kids by 25 but that didn’t work out so well for me so I set a new goal of married by 25. I can’t even remember when my kids goal was at this point and I had all but forgotten the married by 25 goal until my husband jokingly reminded me of it the other day.

Things seem to be falling into place pretty well for me. I still have my wonderful job at the Brighton Animal Clinic. And less then 3 weeks ago I got married to a wonderful man who is helping me make our small 1 bedroom apartment into a home. We are finally able to upgrade some of the hand-me-downs I got when I moved in with the money we got as gifts from our wedding so life is slowly coming together.  Now all I have to do is get the thank you notes sent and all the paper work done to officially change my name and hopefully life will regain some semblance of normalcy

I still miss my family like crazy but I got to see them all when they came for my wedding last month and they will be here in a few weeks for Zack and Jills wedding. It is nice to see them but it seems to re-open the wound every time they leave. But it is so worth it to be able to spend time with them.

Wow it’s been a long time since I have blogged. . . A lot has happened in the past year and then again a lot is the same. I still work at the same place, I still live with Brian in our little ghetto apartment, my family is still in TX, Brian’s foot still hasn’t healed from the toe amputation. . . I could list more things but I’m sure your more interested in the changes.

I guess the biggest change is that I am getting married in 3 weeks. Yep you read right, I’m getting married. In July of last year right before a trip to TX  to visit the family Brian proposed to me. It was nothing spectacular like you see in the movies but it was definitely earth shattering and life changing. Since then things have been pretty crazy and they only get crazier the closer we get to the “big day”. I am to the point now that I wish it would just get here all ready so I can get on with my life. I feel like I am totally alone in the planning even though I am getting help from several people because I am always the one that has to make the final decisions and organize everything. It’s all resting on my shoulders and the weight is killing me. I had to go to the Dr. last week to get some muscle relaxers because I am carrying all my stress in my neck and shoulders and I was one big knot. Over all things are coming together nicely but I am having trouble with enough things to feel like I’m going crazy. The biggest thing right now is my dress yes 3 weeks away from my wedding and I don’t have a dress. Or rather it is still in pieces. Jen, a lady from church, offered to sew our outfits as a wedding gift since we are having a Renaissance wedding and were having trouble finding outfits we liked and could afford. At first I thought it was the greatest thing to happen for the wedding but now I am having serious doubts. See she didn’t even start sewing my dress until last week. Partly because of problems she had with Brian’s outfit including him gaining weight and needing the top let out, partly from her personal life, and partly because she is totally and completely flighty and can’t focus on one thing for more then 5 sec. People warned me about this, as soon as I told them who was making the outfits the cringed. I stood up for her and gave her the benefit of the doubt but now I’m wondering if I made the right choice. To late to second guess myself though. All I can do is cross my fingers and pray I will have a dress come wedding day.

A couple good things have happened over the past few days:

1) Brian got a promotion in his job having worked there for less than a week. He was covering the weekend night shift in the S.O.C (SecurityOperations Center) at Level 3 Communications in Broomfield and has been going through training for that. Well, mid week one of the girls that works in the N.O.C (National Operations Center) said she was not comfortable with the computer system in that position and since Brian has worked on it before they gave him the position. So now he will be handling the national security instead of just local. This position is great because it is a full time position so he will get benefits and more hours not to mention a pay raise. Needless to say we are VERY excited about it. The only bad thing is transportation. We are now faced with having to get another car fast so that we can both get to work. We are still not sure what shift he will be working but regardless we will need another car. For the time being we are going to get insurance on Dad’s truck and I will drive it. I am not at all looking forward to this as it is a beast and will guzzle gas like no other but right now it seems to be the only option. I am hopeful Brian will be able to save enough money for a new car quickly because I miss my car and I HATE the truck.

2) I got an excited call from Mom last night saying that her and Dad were approved for the loan on their new house and that their offer has been accepted. So very soon they will be in their own house in TX. While I miss them and wish they were closer I am happy for their good fortune and praise God for his blessings.

So all and all things are looking up. Unfortunately I find myself pessimistic and waiting for the next thing that will go wrong or complicate things. I know this is bad and that I shouldn’t have this attitude but I can’t help it. It seems that for the longest time when ever things start to come together and run smoothly something else is either thrown into the mix or goes wrong. I pray this will not happen this time but I am not ready to let my guard down just yet.

I have been getting that question lately because it seems as though I have fallen off the face of the planet. Well, I haven’t I am here and well. There has been a lot of changes in my life over the past few months and unfortunately blogging and staying in touch with friends has taken a back seat. Where to start. . .

Well, lets start with the reason I have been incommunicado if you will. The beginning of April I moved out of my parents house into my own apartment. This was a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I needed to get out on my own and stand on my own 2 feet. Bad because it wasn’t exactly my decision. . . See I had to move out because Mom and Dad are going to Texas for a job opportunity. My choice was either move to Texas with them or move out on my own. Since my friends, job and life are here I opted to try and make it on my own here (key word there is try). So anyway I moved into this great little 1 bedroom apartment in Brighton and I am doing well and loving it. Problem is I have been without Internet because other things like food and gas and misc things I have needed to live comfortably in my new place have taken priority over the Internet. I have been able to check my mail a few times a week at work but that’s about it. Man do I miss being able to surf and keep in touch with my friends!

About 3 weeks after I moved in my parents left for TX so I am really on my own. I have aunts and uncles and grand parents here still but they are all at least a half hour drive away. It has been nice to be more independent but it is scary to. I miss my family more than anything and wish we could all be together again (Jacob, Misty, and Becca are in Tx to )

The same week my parents left Brian (my boyfriend who is temporarily living with me) lost his job after being out of work for about 6 weeks due to a surgery on his foot. This really hit me hard. Not only had I just had to say goodbye to my family and best friends but now I was faced with supporting myself and my boyfriend for an untold amount of time. This scared me because I was counting on him to help with things like groceries and utilities since he would be living there to. I panicked because I didn’t know how long I would be able to afford food, gas and rent on just my income let alone my other bills.

Thankfully I didn’t have to worry about that for long as God provided him a great job within 2 weeks. This job is a great opportunity for him since it is doing security work for level 3 communications which is a global company that offers good benefits and experience. The only down side to it is he is only working 2 days a week right now and those 2 days are 12 hrs at night. Also this job is in Broomfield so it is proving somewhat difficult to get both of us to work and church. But I am trusting God to provide for us. He also has another job opportunity at a retirement community just a few blocks from home. This is not as good of pay and he will be doing more janitorial duties than security work but it will help to supplement his income so he can save for things like an apartment, a car and school. He is not sure if he will take this position or not since he is still hopeful to find something that will pay a little more and/or be able to get more hours at his other job.

I guess that’s about it aside from the normal things of life like work, shopping laundry and church all of which are proving more difficult as time goes on. I have been able to get rides from co-workers on the days that Brian needs the car to go to work but this has meant I am often late for my shift since no one goes in at the same time as me. Shopping and laundry have proved to be difficult sometimes because we don’t have machines in the apartment so I have to get quarters and take it to the laundry room or to aunt Jeniffer’s (which is a 30 min drive away) and finances are tight right now. I have been able to pay off a student loan since moving in and am getting more house sitting jobs since it is warming up and people are traveling more which helps with finances but hinders time and complicates the car situation. I am hopeful Brian can find a good cheap car soon so that stress will be relieved. We have also had to stop going to care group ad spending time with friends from church on Sunday afternoons because of his work shift. He works for 12 hrs, rushes home to get me then we rush to church unavoidably late and he fights to stay awake during the serman.. by the time it is over he is so exhausted all he wants to do is sleep do socalizing is out of the question. We are both not to happy with this situation as we miss our friends and don’t like him being so tired during church but right now this is the best we can do. I’m sure things will start to come together soon I just can’t wait till they do. . . This crazy life I live is exhausting!

SO things are still extremely crazy. Jacob and Misty have been packing and getting things ready to go because they are going to be leaving for TX Friday morning. Because their house is all packed up they have been staying here so our house has been packed. Not only do we have Mom, Dad, me ,Brian, Jacob, Misty and Rebecca but we have also had Aunt Jennifer and Uncle Will and occasionally Zack over at night after they have all been working on packing the truck. Now most of you know my aversion to groups of people so you can imagine this has not exactly been pleasant. I love having Rebecca around more but that just means I am going to miss her all the more when she is gone.

Things are still up in the air with where I am going to live when mom and dad leave. I thought things were going to work out well with Mandi but it is looking less likely because her roommate is dragging her feet finding a new place to live. She has had 2 months and she is no closer to finding a place now then she was to begin with. When I asked her if she thought I would be able to move in the end of this month her reply was that the soonest she would be able to move out would be the 1st of May.

This poses a large problem, see my parents are moving the last week in April and we need to have all of our stuff out of the house by that 28th at the latest so we can clean and have the house ready for the new renters. So what am I supposed to do? I can’t afford a storage shed and a hotel for a week or more, not to mention that a hotel with my pets would be a huge challenge. So I am extremely frustrated with that especially since no one seems to care the place this is putting me in. When I talked to Mandi about it all she said was that I needed to talk to Shelley because it wasn’t her place to tell her when she needed to be out. I see it differently though because Mandi is the one that needs to find someone to take over Shelley’s half of the rent and I am willing to do that but I need to be able to move in BEFORE I am homeless at the end of the month. So this poses a dilemma, I would love to help Mandi and love the idea of being her roommate but I could find a cheaper place to live on my own and not have to worry about being homeless for a week or more until Shelley moves out or the added gas expense and drive time to work. Not to mention the added stress of my boyfriend living with us until he can get back to work and afford a place of his own. Him living with us will not bother me in-fact I like having him around but I know he will not like the idea of living with someone else so there will be stress. I just don’t know what to do. . . .

I have three weeks to figure this all out, pack my house and move, I don’t know where I am going to move to, I am loosing my brother, sister-in-law and niece at the end of the week and my parents at the end of the month and I haven’t packed a single box. Add that to the fact that I have been working 11 hr days at work and sleeping even less then I normally do (which is less than the average person can live off of to begin with) because of all the stress at work and at home and I have not been a happy person lately.

Well quiet a bit has happened since I last posted. I have decided to stay in CO. At first I wasn’t sure how or even if I was going to be able to accomplish this. My biggest concern was finding a place I could afford. You see having lived with my parents my whole life I have lived a bit more extravagantly than I should. I have a large car payment and several other bills including student loans. I have been trying to figure it out and have been getting more and more stressed as time goes by. I made a list of all the stuff I needed to get done and each item seemed impossible. I needed to find a place to live that I could afford which more than likely meant a roommate. My options for a roommate?? My boyfriend Brian (who has been living with me and my parents for 2 months why he has been recovering from surgery) or a complete stranger. Neither options were very good because I knew I would get so much grief from friends and family about living with my boyfriend that it would drive me crazy and make me miserable. And I didn’t like the idea of living with a stranger because I have issues trusting people and opening up to people. Overall just not a good thing. So I had all but given up on that and was trying to find a really cheap crummy place that I could afford on my own. The problem with that was my pets and the fact that every place I called all I got was an answering machine and no one ever called my back. I was becoming convinced that I would never find a place I could afford and would wind up with no other choice then to move to TX. You can imagine my frustration and mounting stress.

Then Friday I found out that my best friend is having problems with her roommate and that she would be looking for someone to take over the lease. The rent is a bit more than I would like to pay and she lives farther away from my work but this seemed to be the best option I have had so far. So I went about the process of thinning out my budget to see if I could squeeze the extra few hundred I would need to afford the rent utilities and of course food, gas and other living experiences.

I had resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t do this with my current car payment so yesterday I went to the Go super-sale to see what they could do for me. The whole day was very stressful, car after car after car, all a step down from what I have now. I couldn’t see myself in any of them. The amount it would lower my payment wouldn’t have been enough to justify getting rid of my car for a disposable car that would only last me for a couple years. Thankfully Brian suggested I look into refinancing my car to see how much that would lower my car payment. I had thought about it before but dismissed it thinking it wouldn’t do much good. But at this point I was willing to look into anything so I called Aunt Jennifer and she did the calculations and said she could lower my payment almost $150 which was about what trading in my car would have done, but I got get to keep my car! So I sighed a HUGH sigh of relief and we left the car sale and went to Mandi’s.

So as it sits I am staying in CO when my parents more to TX. I am going to be moving in with Mandi at least until her lease is up in November and my pets are not a problem. *sigh* I can finally breath again! I am going to miss my family dearly and this may not last i may find myself miserable here without them but I have to at least give it a try.

I found out this week that my parents are moving to TX. Last month My brother and sister-in-law announced that they were moving to TX because of a job offer. This of course upset us all because we would miss them and my neice. Well the same company that offered Jacob a job offered my dad a job making more that he is now. So mom and dad have desided to move as well.

This has put me in a aweful position. I feel like no matter what I choose I am screwed. Either I give up my life and friends here or my family. . . I don’t like either option. I am incredibly stressed and when ever I think of moving to TX I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid that I can’t aford to live on my own but I really don’t want to move! I am soo torn!

But I have to make a choice soon because mom and dad have to let him new employer know friday. . .

Sorry it has been so long since my last post I hadn’t even realized how long it had been until a friend brought it to my attention. Time flies when you are going crazy .

Overall things have been good. Mom is recovering well from her surgery and she is scheduled to return to work next week. She is still not sure if she will be able to handle a full days work but she is gaining strength daily and is eager to get out of the house.

Brian found a job that we are both very excited about. It is driving a forklift for the Kmart distribution center. It’s not what he was originally going for as he eventually plans to go back to school for a couple degrees then go into management in security but it is a great thing for now. He is able to work 1st shift so we can see each other a lot, the start off pay is good and will increase in 60 days and he will get full benefits and lots of over time which will help a lot with getting back on his feet and taking care of himself and the complications from his diabetes. So over all things are going good. Next step saving enough money to get an apartment so he doesn’t have to sleep on the parents couch anymore. . .

Things at my job are also going well. Pretty much the same old grind but I guess consistency is good even though I do get board with it. We are getting towards the end of our slow season so things should be picking up soon which will help the days go faster and not seem so tedious.

Jacob and Misty are planning a move to Texas for a job, apparently it was an offer they couldn’t refuse. . . Obviously the family is not to happy about that because we are so close and that will mean not only loosing Jacob and Misty but also the only grand-kid.

Dad also has an offer with the same company in Texas so he and mom are considering moving as well. They are torn between me and Jacob because they don’t want to be away from either of us so they are trying to convince me to move as well. I am having trouble with this idea because I love CO, I have spent the majority of my life here and even though I don’t spend a lot of time in the mountains I can’t imagine not being so close to them. I also have a good job and a stable life here. Not to mention that Brian is just now starting to get his life stable after giving everything up and moving here for me. I can’t ask him to give up and start over again for me. That just wouldn’t be fair. So as it sits I am loosing my brother, sister-in-law and niece and potentially my parents as well. We will just have to wait and see how this will pan out. . .

A couple weeks ago I posted about how I was not OK because of a potential relationship that I was having trouble accepting. My heart has been so damaged by past relationships that I have walled it off not letting anyone or anything in. But one incredibly wonderful man has broken through that wall.

In that post I said how I had ignored a bunch of his calls and said some of the most hurtful things I have ever said. But through it all he was right there. He never lost his temper, he never got angry because he knew I was just scared. By sticking it out and being there and supporting me when everyone else would have lashed right back at me or said forget it and left, he broke down my walls and got to my heart. I have desided to give him a chance and trust him with my heart even though this is scary.

Everyday I am with him I feel less and less afraid and more and more happy and content and loved. I spend every waking moment (that I am not at work) on the phone with him. He calls me to wake me up in the morning and sings me to sleep at night. I can feel the walls crumble more and more each day and though this scares the living daylights out of me it makes me happy. Since I let him in I have felt an  enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can breath again. I feel free to be myself without fear of what people think about me because I know he loves me for who I am and is only trying to free me not change me. 

He is the strongest man I have ever met. He has had so much crap go on in his life and he is not hesitating to go through more of it for me. He is currently homeless because he gave up his house and life for me. He is finishing out his two weeks at his job and will be flying here to be with me on the 22nd. I am excited and nervous at that same time. I can’t wait to finally see him, to be with him, but I am afraid at the same time. It’s a good kind of fear though. The kind that makes you feel alive. That makes your heart jump and a smile come to your face when you realise why you are afraid. I know none of this makes any sense but it is the best way I can explain it. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas day wanting so badly to wait up for Santa to come and yet fearing that he wont or that when he does all he will bring is coal. I can’t believe that in 3 days all this will be over and he will be here with me